“The unraveling is a time when you are challenged
by the universe to let go of who you think
you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are.”~ Brené Brown ~
August of last year. I’m standing at the sink doing dishes and pressing replay over and over again on a silent but nonetheless very loud conversation I’m having with myself in my own head. “Why are you here again? What’s wrong with you? When are you ever going to change? You’re such a loser.”
And then my mouth opened and out came the statement “You’re depressed.”
The weight of the words made my hands fall into the soapy water. I was physically and mentally paralyzed for a moment. Time stood still, as did I. “But no, I can’t be, I’m better than that!”, I argued back to myself. And out loud no less for full effect.
As my internal debate continued – ‘But I’ve been sober for 17 years! But I’m not suicidal! But I’m angry and frustrated, not crying and feeling hopeless!’, I went over to the computer. I thought I already knew what depression looked like. I was first diagnosed with it when I was around 8-9 years old, a time in my life when several traumatic things had happened to me. There were subsequent diagnoses later in my teens and twenties. This time however felt very different than previously. And sure enough, the truth of my words manifested in front of me on my screen. I was depressed. It looked and felt different than before, but it was what it was.
Through some act of divine intervention, I knew to call my nurse and make an appointment with her ASAP. Sure enough, her clinical assessment confirmed my suspicion. I was angry and didn’t want to believe her. After I got home, I even retook the Beck Depression Inventory she used with me and scored almost exactly the same. And I wasn’t just depressed, I ranked as severely depressed. There I go, even being a high achiever with something I had absolutely no desire to attain.
Although I accepted the diagnosis on the surface, it was a couple of months before I was able to concede to it with my innermost self. But the day did come when I accepted the universe’s challenge to me and began the new adventure of letting go of who I thought I was and should be, and began to receive the gift of being exactly who I already was. Depression and all.
And the unraveling began.
Just like a set of Christmas tree lights all tangled up on the floor, the tedious work of straightening them is necessary for them to fulfill their purpose. Sure, you can plug them in as is and they’ll still light up. But they won’t truly be able to shine as they are meant to until the work is done.
So go ahead big ole universe of ours, challenge me some more. I wanna be all lit up and shine the way God intended me to. Go ahead I said, I dare ya.
“I am lucky to be what I am!
Thank goodness I’m not just a clam or ham
or a dirty jar of sour gooseberry jam!
I am what I am. That’s a great thing to be.”~ Dr. Seuss ~
Featured image: Anthony Quintano user on flickr.com, CC2.0 Generic
You are
You are the girl I know
You are the person who is always the voice of reason and perspective
You are MARIANNE
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Always the voice of reason and perspective eh? With myself not so much obviously. But I’m working on it. And yep still Marianne. Don’t know that the universe has a name change planned for me but who knows haha.
Hugs to my Lovely …M
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“even being a high achiever with something I had absolutely no desire to attain” – this one sentence made me understand depression a little bit more and how hopeless it must be. Let’s pray more and more people would unravel this mystery they have within themselves and took necessary action ASAP.
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I agree with you wholeheartedly Nurul. More prayer and more mysteries revealed for all of us.
Hope you’re having a kindness-filled kinda day … Marianne
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It really is a great thing to be. I agree with Dr. Seuss. 🙂
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He wrote simple things with profound messages eh? Love it. 🙂
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Very true experience.. Glad to know that you figured out the way to dare the depression monster.. Keep it up 👍
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Thank you Nemo. Guess I’ve found myself playing a whole new version of Truth, Dare or Double Dare. Should be an interesting one I think. 🙂
Hope you’re having a kindness-filled kinda day … Marianne
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You are welcome Marianne 😀
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Hoping your shine becomes more brilliant soon.
I know how hard it can be to accept depression. As a person with bipolar disorder I often see saw between mania and depression, but more often between mild hypomania and mild depression. During the latter states I try to convince myself that I’m stable. I just get so sick and tired of being one pole or the other. I get impatient. I’m doing better now, though.
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And I hope you shine brilliantly as well Cindy! Just checked out your blog, you are writing some very honest and courageous stuff there with your mental health challenges. Keep up the good work, it has and will help people I’m sure.
Wishing you a kindness-filled kinda day … Marianne
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Thank you, Marianne!
It took me a while to feel confident enough to talk freely about my bipolar. Now I do so because I know it helps end stigma, and because I’m no longer ashamed. Yes, I was ashamed of what I used to perceive as being weakness. Shame on that old me. But the new me is proud that I’ve come so far. Not just with my weakness, but with my attitudes. I like to encourage others to have hope.
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And so you should be proud. And that will encourage others all on its very own. 🙂
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Everyone loves a comeback kid.
I love what you just did.
You came back with a bang,
A gosh, oh shucks, oh dang,
And put in for Life with the biggest bid.
Congratulations kid.
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He’s a poet and he *thinks* he knows it haha. Love it kid. 🙂
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I really enjoyed the candidness of this post. That last quote by Dr. Suess was the perfect little endnote, thank you for emanating a pretty confidence.
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Dr. Seuss quotes are often the best endnotes aren’t they? His universal simplicity is underrated in our complicated world. Love him. 🙂
Marianne
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Very well put! Totally agree, there is repose in the truth that he presents us, which is such a comfort.
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I aspire to inspire you. ( and you do Marianne!)
I wish to compel you to think ( my thinking light is blinking)
Provoke you to laugh (laughter spurts out inappropriately at times)
Move you to live and act in kindness. (Commenting PEACE to you)
Visiting with Marianne along the side of her road.
Sometime on the sunny side of the street, at times in the gutter,
BUT always transparent…..which gives many of us HOPE.
Thanks for sharing your unraveling…and steps to recovery.
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Wow, what lovely and kind words to share with me Barbara. Thank you so very much. I do wish that the transparency emits hope. I know I have received it because of others’ sharing.
Thank you again. Wishing you a kindness-filled kinda day … Marianne
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Marianne, thanks for this post. I am struggling to crawl out of an abyss and your post lent perspective.
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You are very welcome Bernadette. I am sorry to hear of your struggles. And you borrow all the perspective you want, if it works for you, take it!
Wishing you a kindness-TO-YOURSELF-kinda day … Marianne
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Thank you for sharing such a personal and complex thing so simply. The unraveling of the Christmas lights was an awesome comparison.
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It is with heartfelt gratitude that I am able to share and that you enjoyed the read. May your Christmas lights shine ever so brightly Diane. Thank you.
Hope you’re having a kindness-filled kinda day … Marianne
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I have struggled with depression in the past. Quite severe. I’ve helped others since just by directing them for help. Now I can explain that unexplainable process thanks to you. You shine brighter everyday also
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Sad to hear of your struggles with it too but so happy to hear you are helping others with it. Here’s to a brilliantly bright shiny day for both of us!
Blessings … Marianne
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Gosh, Marianne–you started young with this. While I am glad it was something you recognized, I am even more glad you knew to get help right away. I was worried about you–thought the cancer had reared its ugly head even more. You are doing OK with that?
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Yes sadly I was young. But that was then, this is now. 🙂
All okay with the cancer, thankfully. Get the tumour checked out every 6 months to watch for new growth as it will spread again but with regular checks, ear surgeon will get it quickly we hope. Go in a couple of weeks actually so hoping for good news!
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PS forgot to even say thanks for asking about that so … thanks Lois! 🙂
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I so understand your feelings. Your analogy of the Christmas lights describes how I feel perfectly – you are gifted in writing it down. Thank you so much for sharing with us. I’m glad you stayed strong and got help. Keep fighting the fight.
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You keep fighting the fight too. The more of us who do will enable others still wondering how to start their fight to find their way.
Blessings … Marianne
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Hugs. Thank you sharing such power personal post.
Our thoughts can really mess us up.. well thats what i feel. I think constantly reminding ourself if our goodness is key…
Hugs again for such a powerful and personal post.
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And hugs right back at you! Blessings … Marianne
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After reading Unravel Me I was reminded of my youth and singing in the choir of our church, I’m guessing I was ten or so at the time. The song that came to mind was “This little light of mine.” Of course I had to find that song and once again hear it’s words sixty plus years later. If I may, I’ll share it with you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCN893hzueQ
Peace my friend, shine on!
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Oh I haven’t thought of that song in years and years! What a perfect one for this post – thank you tons for sharing it!
Now if you don’t mind, I’ll share one back at ya that yours reminded me of. Did you know The Boss did this song??? It’s from his amazing Seeger sessions years back, lots of good stuff in those sessions I quite enjoy listening too.
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