“Can I tell it like it is?”
Okay, I will.
So that doctor’s appointment I mentioned the other day was with my ear doctor. I happen to have very tiny ear canals and excessive wax buildup so have to get my ears cleaned out and hearing checked every 6 months. No big deal.
He knows about the skin cancer tumour I have over my left ear, although it was a different doc who found and operated on it last summer. That doctor couldn’t get it all out and said a second surgery would come someday when it started to grow again, but would have to be by an ear surgeon since the tumour is so close to the inner workings of my ear. We anticipated ‘someday’ to be quite some time away. No big deal.
I hop into my ear doctor’s chair and he goes right to my left ear. But without the tools he uses to get the wax out. “Have you noticed any signs of growth of the tumour?” he asks. “Nope, not that I can tell”, I reply. “Well I do” he says, “it’s getting bumpy here, I don’t want to wait anymore, time to try to get the rest of it out.”
No big deal.
He then proceeds to tell me it will be a simple procedure, much like the first surgery but this time at the hospital – just in case. I don’t like those words ‘just in case’. What the heck does that mean? Fear. And he’s going to do another biopsy on it as he’s concerned about it growing so soon. Wants to make sure it hasn’t turned malignant. Malignant, I don’t like that word either. More fear. Shit, I’m gonna have to tell my 3 kids about this. Their mama has to have another surgery on that damn tumour. She’s gonna have another hole in her head. They’re gonna be scared again. I don’t like telling my kids bad news. Even more fear.
After the appointment, I sat in my car for a bit. I went in to lose some wax and left with a date for surgery next month. Not the barter I was expecting. It was my day off and having to tell my kids, book time off work, and find someone to drive me to and from the hospital on surgery day was not on my ‘To Do’ list. A haircut, grabbing some groceries, and doing some writing were. Not that other crap.
“It’s getting to the point where I’m no fun anymore,
I am sorry”
Fear locked my heart up somewhat on Monday. I got over it. Mostly. Used the tools I’ve been taught to use. My faith, gratitude, and sharing it with a friend. But I forgot about one that comes in handy too. Laughter.
So here’s a funny story …
A chick pulls into a gas station, one she frequents often. “Her” pump is taken so she goes to another one she doesn’t usually use. Opens the lid for the gas tank, grabs the nozzle, hits the appropriate buttons, and goes to put the nozzle in. It won’t go in. WTF? Now what’s wrong with the car, she wonders out loud. Tries again, no luck. Puts her fingers in the tank opening. Yep, the soft rubber piece moves, there’s nothing blocking it. Tries again to get the nozzle in. Still won’t go in.
Decides to leave that pump and move the car over to the one she usually uses. Goes through the same preparatory motions. The nozzle goes in just fine thank you very much. Starts to pump the gas and while standing there, mindlessly glances over at the pump she was at first. There are two nozzles on it. One for gas and one for diesel. In 30 years of pumping gas, she has never done that before. She starts to laugh, and yes out loud. Finds it so funny she even mentions it to the attendant inside. As if they hadn’t already been watching her. The attendant gets a good chuckle out of it too.
“Something inside is telling me that I’ve got your secret
Are you still listening?
Fear is the lock and laughter the key to your heart”
And yes, that chick was me. Ain’t life grand? One day you can sit in your car crying like a little girl and another day laugh at your own silliness. Rule 62 Marianne … don’t take yourself so damn seriously.
All of the quotes I’m using are from one of my all-time favourite songs, Suite: Judy Blue Eyes by Crosby Stills & Nash. Here’s a video of them performing it live a few years ago. They said it was very risky to do, they hadn’t done it together live in a long time. Perhaps they had felt some fear that night too. But watch them interact with each other. They had fun with it and why not? What did they have to lose? Nothing. But their fear.
“Sing a song, don’t be long, thrill me to the marrow
Voices of the angels ring around the moonlight”